you traded sex for a burrito?
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Randomize
