You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Randomize
