I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
