He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Randomize
