Don't make out with my wife yet
Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
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