dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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