No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
honey bunches of taint.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
Randomize
