i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
