i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
The seats are awesome but you see two of each player.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
