She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
We have so much sex to catch up on
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
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