How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
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