You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
Damn victory sex feels great
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
Randomize
