also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
Randomize
