EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
Randomize
