my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
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