Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
