Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Randomize
