i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
