I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
Only a mothe r could love this liver
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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