im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
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you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize