I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
Randomize
