if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Randomize
