I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
