Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
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