my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
