I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
Randomize
