He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
barbara walters just said penis...
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
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