I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
Randomize
