Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Randomize
