i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
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