Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
soo... how was my night?
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