I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Randomize
