my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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