is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Randomize
