she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Randomize
