I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
Randomize
