he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Randomize
