Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
you will always have a special place in my vag
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Randomize
