if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
Randomize