imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
Randomize
