you're like a bully in the Christmas story
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
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