yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
