i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
Randomize
