EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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