somebody snuck up and got me drunk
Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
Haha pretty bummed I didn't stay night yesterday after the bj fest you described
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
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