Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
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she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
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Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say