Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
