Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
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