dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
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