i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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