I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
Is your delayed response due to the massive amount of judging going on?
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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