we're chasing vodka with high fives
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
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