the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
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So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
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Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
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