"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
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