woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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